Rick's Wine Glossary
Increase your wine knowledge! Impress your friends! Humiliate your enemies!
Read 'em and weep! (Beware! This glossary does not conform to the National Political Correctness Standards of 2014)
A - Aeration: the process of exposing wine to air so it can “breathe”—as opposed to suffocating it to death with a pillow.
B - Biodynamics: an extreme form of organic agriculture involving witchcraft, satanic rituals and burying the metaphorical “cow’s horn” in the farmer’s daughter.
C - Carafe: a long-necked glass vessel for dumping wine in (see: Aeration); rhymes with giraffe not coincidentally.
D - Disgorgement: a French term for what one does after consuming way too much wine; often occurs on the side of a road.
E - Enophile: a Greek word for someone who has an obsessive need to save and categorize valuable wine articles (such as this one) in a locking metal cabinet.
F - Funk: What a glass of wine smells like right after sex.
G - Grape: the color purple; a sweet, fizzy soda poured from a can (and don’t tell me you’re not craving one right this second).
H - Howell Mountain: a wild animal preserve in Napa populated by coyotes, wolves and (the legend goes) one werewolf.
I - Indian Wells (WA) - Yet one more thing—holes in the ground!—white people stole from Native Americans.
J - Jurassic: an extremely fertile soil layer dating back millions of years and consisting of schist, dinosaur bones and the more recent remains of souvenirs from an abandoned amusement park gift shop on a remote island.
K - Kabinett: a mere three-syllable style of German Riesling (q.v.) meaning “off-dry” or “semi-sweet”. Could be worse. Could be seven f**king German syllables’ long: Trockenbeerenauslese.
L - Lead: the chemical element (Pb) wine bottle caps used to be made from. Hence the average life expectancy of 39 for regular wine drinkers up until the 1960’s, when toxic lead gradually gave way to environmentally friendly materials like foil and plastic.
M - Malolactic: a secondary fermentation traditionally used to produce Chardonnays that taste vaguely like mother’s milk. Hence the ever-rising popularity of Sauvignon Blancs.
N - Nuanced: say this whenever confronted with a wine whose flavor components are so inexplicable (or completely absent) you have to resort to nonsense words. “Well, I find it...nuanced.”
O - Oprah: has she started slapping her face on a line of wines yet? Did she call ‘em “O” like she should have? “O”? The wine name I hold the copyright on but would be glad to part with for a quite reasonable five-figure sum?
P - The Prisoner: as a prank place an anonymous call to the police (use a “burner”) and tell ‘em your wine-loving neighbor is holding a Prisoner in his cellar. Then sit back on your front porch and watch the hijinks unfold!
Q - Quince: a cultivated fruit grown in central Asia and the Middle East. And one you have never, ever, not once in your life, tasted. So stop telling people this or that white wine tastes like quince!
R - Riesling: this sweet varietal traditionally comes in long-necked bottles convenient for holding in a threatening manner while confronted with a customer who insists on pronouncing it “Rice-ling”.
S - Sommelier: often shortened to “Somm” these days as wine stewards at restaurants have grown weary of being called “small liars.”
T - Terroir: frequently misunderstood to mean mere “soil” or “place,” the French speak of it obsessively just to show that they can pronounce it and you f**king can’t.
U - Unctuous: a wine that goes down like 10w40. Also, a good, incomprehensible descriptive to throw out when simpler ones, such as “This s**t’s damn tasty!” fail you.
V - Vineyard: a place where, increasingly, dogs, cows, sheep, goats and human laborers roam fertilizing the vines that produced that $200 Napa Cabernet you’re currently drinking. Kind of earthy, huh?
W - Wino: self-directed slang for very knowledgeable and experienced wine connoisseurs. Also, for less knowledgeable wine drinkers who reside in back alleys and under overpasses.
X - Xenophobe: a person who hates anyone and everyone who hails from a foreign country where they make wine. Which is to say...France.
Y - Chateau d’Yquem: a phenomenally expensive Sauternes (French dessert wine) cherished by wealthy connoisseurs who insist on consuming an alcoholic beverage with each and every course of a meal. Not to be confused with my brother-in-law Billy and his beloved Busch Light.
Z - Zero-free (alcohol): a regrettable section in some wine shops these days that is to be avoided at all costs by traditionalists looking to get a fruity buzz on. Do they have THC-free pot in weed dispensaries for christsake?!
Make sure to check this space frequently for additional items by which to increase your dubious wine knowledge. Cheers!
B - Biodynamics: an extreme form of organic agriculture involving witchcraft, satanic rituals and burying the metaphorical “cow’s horn” in the farmer’s daughter.
C - Carafe: a long-necked glass vessel for dumping wine in (see: Aeration); rhymes with giraffe not coincidentally.
D - Disgorgement: a French term for what one does after consuming way too much wine; often occurs on the side of a road.
E - Enophile: a Greek word for someone who has an obsessive need to save and categorize valuable wine articles (such as this one) in a locking metal cabinet.
F - Funk: What a glass of wine smells like right after sex.
G - Grape: the color purple; a sweet, fizzy soda poured from a can (and don’t tell me you’re not craving one right this second).
H - Howell Mountain: a wild animal preserve in Napa populated by coyotes, wolves and (the legend goes) one werewolf.
I - Indian Wells (WA) - Yet one more thing—holes in the ground!—white people stole from Native Americans.
J - Jurassic: an extremely fertile soil layer dating back millions of years and consisting of schist, dinosaur bones and the more recent remains of souvenirs from an abandoned amusement park gift shop on a remote island.
K - Kabinett: a mere three-syllable style of German Riesling (q.v.) meaning “off-dry” or “semi-sweet”. Could be worse. Could be seven f**king German syllables’ long: Trockenbeerenauslese.
L - Lead: the chemical element (Pb) wine bottle caps used to be made from. Hence the average life expectancy of 39 for regular wine drinkers up until the 1960’s, when toxic lead gradually gave way to environmentally friendly materials like foil and plastic.
M - Malolactic: a secondary fermentation traditionally used to produce Chardonnays that taste vaguely like mother’s milk. Hence the ever-rising popularity of Sauvignon Blancs.
N - Nuanced: say this whenever confronted with a wine whose flavor components are so inexplicable (or completely absent) you have to resort to nonsense words. “Well, I find it...nuanced.”
O - Oprah: has she started slapping her face on a line of wines yet? Did she call ‘em “O” like she should have? “O”? The wine name I hold the copyright on but would be glad to part with for a quite reasonable five-figure sum?
P - The Prisoner: as a prank place an anonymous call to the police (use a “burner”) and tell ‘em your wine-loving neighbor is holding a Prisoner in his cellar. Then sit back on your front porch and watch the hijinks unfold!
Q - Quince: a cultivated fruit grown in central Asia and the Middle East. And one you have never, ever, not once in your life, tasted. So stop telling people this or that white wine tastes like quince!
R - Riesling: this sweet varietal traditionally comes in long-necked bottles convenient for holding in a threatening manner while confronted with a customer who insists on pronouncing it “Rice-ling”.
S - Sommelier: often shortened to “Somm” these days as wine stewards at restaurants have grown weary of being called “small liars.”
T - Terroir: frequently misunderstood to mean mere “soil” or “place,” the French speak of it obsessively just to show that they can pronounce it and you f**king can’t.
U - Unctuous: a wine that goes down like 10w40. Also, a good, incomprehensible descriptive to throw out when simpler ones, such as “This s**t’s damn tasty!” fail you.
V - Vineyard: a place where, increasingly, dogs, cows, sheep, goats and human laborers roam fertilizing the vines that produced that $200 Napa Cabernet you’re currently drinking. Kind of earthy, huh?
W - Wino: self-directed slang for very knowledgeable and experienced wine connoisseurs. Also, for less knowledgeable wine drinkers who reside in back alleys and under overpasses.
X - Xenophobe: a person who hates anyone and everyone who hails from a foreign country where they make wine. Which is to say...France.
Y - Chateau d’Yquem: a phenomenally expensive Sauternes (French dessert wine) cherished by wealthy connoisseurs who insist on consuming an alcoholic beverage with each and every course of a meal. Not to be confused with my brother-in-law Billy and his beloved Busch Light.
Z - Zero-free (alcohol): a regrettable section in some wine shops these days that is to be avoided at all costs by traditionalists looking to get a fruity buzz on. Do they have THC-free pot in weed dispensaries for christsake?!
Make sure to check this space frequently for additional items by which to increase your dubious wine knowledge. Cheers!